The Nearness of You

Almost two years since Mom has passed and she gave me a present this morning. The office in which I work has an air vent just above my head that sends down cool air. Like my Mom, I have never been able to stand any amount of air on my head – even warm air. Headaches are the result of being in the draft and the few conversations I’ve had with the maintenance group has not yet yielded a fix for my situation. I’ve been wearing hats. People look at me and think I’m nuts but I’m tired of being uncomfortable with a “freezing” head and constant headaches.

My Mom, many years ago, bought a VW bug – a new beetle that I am still driving today. One time when we were at the dealership waiting for some work to be done on her car, we spent time looking at all the VW merchandise they had for sale; all prominently displaying the VW emblem. I spotted a funny little hat that reminded me of the one Henry Fonda wore in, “On Golden Pond.” It was so cute! It was adorable on Mom so I persuaded her to buy it for herself. She kept it in the door pocket of her car for the longest time but never wore it. She finally brought it into the house and put it in one of her drawers.

Before heading out for work this morning, I decided to find it and see if I could wear it in the office instead of the stupid hat I’ve been wearing. Most of Mom’s room is as it was but I’ve placed a few things in there just to get them out of the way. A bottom drawer was partially blocked so I started to give up. An overpowering thought came into my head, “Just try a little harder.” So, I finally got down on my knees and reached way into the drawer; feeling my way around. I came across something made of material and kind of hard so I thought it was the brim of the hat I’d seen folded and “somewhere” in one of her drawers during the time Mom was still with me.

She was famous for moving things around so there’s no telling where this hat actually is at this point. One day, I will decide it is time to organize and make sense of all her things but, for now and until I feel less emotional, it’s the way it is.

Thinking this hard cloth object was the hat, I pulled it out to find it was a sock. Hmmm, I thought. But I was already shaking my head and smiling because Mom loved to stash things. She always thought someone was going to take her money or jewelry or whatever she liked so she’d hide them. Last year I found a little money under the paper lining in another of her drawers. Today, I reached down into the sock’s toe to reveal a wad of bills. There was a total of $77 paper-clipped and wound around with a rubber band. So typical!

A little laugh just sort of slipped out of me. Just like Mom – almost two years later and she’s left me a surprise present in a week that’s been pretty stressful. It’s a delightful find although I still haven’t found the hat or the “Mother’s ring” my sister gave her a very long time ago.

A few years before Mom passed, that ring disappeared. It was missing from her finger where she had always worn it and I didn’t see it in any of the usual places. Now and then I look for it but have yet to find it. It could be in a pocket of a coat or sweater. It could be under the paper in a drawer or in a shoe. I haven’t torn her room apart – I think, hope it will turn up. The concern that it fell off her finger when we were away from the house does cross my mind. Each time this thought surfaces, I do my best to block it.

One of these days, perhaps, I will have another delightful surprise when I find that ring. Since Mom wore it for so many years, my sister would love to have it back again. I’ll keep looking and, in the meanwhile, there may be other little sweet surprises Mom has booby-trapped her room with for me to find. Thanks Mom; I love you too.

There is a quote by an unknown author I may have posted here before — I know I’ve posted it to my Facebook page; but I love it – and so here it is:

“Your Mother is always with you. She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street. She’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick; the fragrance of life itself. She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well. She’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day. She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow; she is Christmas morning. Your mother lives inside your laughter. She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you not time, not space…not even death.”